Michael Vick Hopes Jail Is Like The Longest Yard Without All The Throwing

     

ATLANTA—Recently convicted Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is hoping that the events of his 23-month prison sentence play out similarly to those portrayed in the 2005 Adam Sandler football comedy The Longest Yard except for the movie's emphasis on passing the 
ball, sources close to Vick reported Wednesday.
 

 
"I keep thinking that Mean Machine quarterback dude should just pull the ball down, maybe pump fake it first a couple times, but just pull it down and go around the end when the prison guards show blitz up the middle," Vick told friends and family at a pre-trial screening of the film. "He could always chuck it into dude's nutsack after the play was over." Vick was reportedly distraught to learn that, except for the probable presence of Michael Irvin, an actual prison would be nothing like the one in the movie

Tiger Woods Putts Baby Into Diaper

ORLANDO, FL—Tiger Woods added yet another accomplishment to his already outstanding résumé Sunday when the 13-time major winner successfully putted his baby daughter, five-month-old Sam Alexis Woods, into a fresh Huggies diaper.
Dressed in his signature red shirt, black pants, and black Nike golf shoes, Woods—who has not played competitive golf in three months in order to stay at home and spend time with his newborn daughter—followed the clutch 12-foot putt with a celebratory fist pump before hugging caddie Steve Williams, who was handling the baby's skin ointment.
"The living room carpet was rolling especially fast today," Woods later told reporters, adding that his maid had vacuumed the night before, "so at first I was naturally hesitant about hitting the baby too hard. But Stevie told me to be firm with the putt, since the room goes slightly uphill near the recliner, and we both knew the baby would move slower there. Especially around where we placed the diaper, because of the changing pad."

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